No Tweeting in the Conclave + More Fantasy Pope Candidates!

***UPDATE #1**  In tempo record  (alle 19,07 orario italiano, 10:07AM PST) è stato eletto il nuovo Papa…in piazza San Pietro sventolano bandiere di tutti i paesi del mondo mentre migliaia di fedeli aspettano l’annuncio del nome del nuovo Pontefice… / In record time the new Pope has been elected… flags from everywhere wave in Piazza San Pietro as thousands of Catholics await the announcement of the name of the new Pope.

***UPDATE #2** [ore 21:15 orario italiano, 12:15PM PST]   È stato annunciato il nome del nuovo Pontefice (The name of the new Pontiff has been announced): Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Arcivescovo di Buenos Aries, 76 anni  (Archbishop, 76 years old) . Nell’incarico di Papa si chiamerà Francesco (in his role as Pope his name will be Francesco).

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Allora (So), yesterday the pope picking game got serious. The 117-member papal selection committee, aka the College of Cardinals, went into lock-down mode, and the conclave (from the Latin ‘cum clave’, meaning ‘with key’), as this meeting is known, began Tuesday afternoon, amidst stormy weather and much fanfare in piazza San Pietro in Rome.

The weather conditions are noteworthy, considering that the cupola di San Pietro (dome of St. Peter’s) was struck by lightning shortly after the resignation of il Papa Benedetto XVI (Pope Benedict), stirring up mention of la profezia di Malachia (the Prophecy of Malachia) and of Nostradamus.

The cardinals will be chiusi a chiave (locked, or literally ‘closed by key’) in quarters sealed off from the rest of the world until they have selected the next head of the Roman Catholic Church.  They are unable to leave until they get the job done.

This practice dates back to 1274 after it had taken nearly three years (due mainly to political infighting between the cardinals) to choose the previous Pope. Next time around, these new restrictions — along with eventually having their rations reduced to pane ed acqua (bread and water) and the roof literally being removed from their lodgings at Palazzo dei Papi di Viterbo (?!) — they managed to get the job done in a little over a year. Since then, the conclave has proved an effective practice in encouraging expediency. [Hmm…  I think I’d like to see this method used to resolve governmental stalemates…]

So until the Cardinals have chosen, the outside world will know nothing, not even a peep.  And while it’s true that Pope Benedict Emeritus recently opened a Twitter account while still in office, it will be of no use to check his tweets.  He’s on social media lock-down, just like the rest of the cardinals.

“Preparations at the site of the papal conclave included a high-tech scrubbing of the chapel for bugs and electronic monitoring equipment. Wi-Fi will be blocked throughout Vatican City, and cardinals with Twitter and Facebook accounts have been warned.” (Per this news article)

Dunque (so, thererfore), we’ll just have to wait for the smoke… [Smoke signals are used to indicate the selection of a new Pope. Eligible cardinals conduct a secret ballot until one of them receives a vote of two-thirds plus one. The ballots are burned after each vote. Black smoke indicates a failed ballot; white smoke means a new Pope has been elected.]

To stay abreast of the action, check out the website IsThereWhiteSmoke.com, and also PopeAlert.com, where you can join the Fantasy Conclave League for a chance to win prizes and learn “Pope facts”. 

To keep you entertained nel frattempo (in the meantime), here are the predictions my students came up with for a few new eligible “fantasy candidates” suggested to us following the previous blog post, “Got What It Takes to Be Pope?“.  DJ came up with Kevin Spacey, John Cusack, and Hugh Grant; and Giada came up with Prince Harry.  Grazie belle signore (thanks, lovely ladies) for the fodder per le nostre fervide fantasie (for our fervid imaginations)!

Our predictions take the form of an answer to this question:

Che farebbe __(nome del candidato)__ se fosse il Papa? [What would __(name of candidate)__ do if he were Pope?] 

Answers are in Italian followed by the English version, and are in the conditional tense (in this post, the verbs ending in -ebbe and -ebbero).

il Principe Harry.  Se il Principe Harry fosse il Papa… insegnerebbe ai sacerdoti locali di giocare a polo… indosserebbe le scarpe militari invece delle scarpe rosse… prenderebbe delle decisioni azzardate… organizzerebbe un’assemblea annuale a Las Vegas… e tutti si rilasserebbero nel idromassaggio… i vestiti non sarebbero necessari… permetterebbe ai cardinali di giocare a biliardo a spogliarello… vorrebbe far protegere il Vaticano dall’esercito inglese invece che dalla Guardia Svizzera… sposterebbe il Vaticano in Inghilterra e cambierebbe la Cattedrale di Westminster in una chiesa Cattolica… e poi il Parlamento Inglese gli sottrarrebbe il titolo di principe!

If Prince Harry were Pope… he would teach the local priests to play polo… he would wear military boots instead of the red shoes… he would make reckless decisions… he would organize an annual assembly in Las Vegas…and everyone would relax in the hot tub… clothing would be optional… he would  permit the cardinals to play strip pool/billiards… he would have the Vatican protected by the English army instead of the Swiss Guard… he would move the Vatican to England, and he’d change the Westminster Abbey into a Catholic church… and then, the English Parliament would revoke his title of prince!

Kevin Spacey.  Se Kevin Spacey fosse il Papa… permetterebbe alle monache di essere attrici… costruirebbe un enorme teatro personale nel Vaticano… girerebbe un film a Roma intitolato “Gli insoliti sospetti” sui preti che abusano dei bambini…  sarebbe il primo Papa a vincere un Oscar mentre occupa quest’ufficio.

If Kevin Spacey were Pope… he would allow nuns to be actresses… he would build an enormous home theater in the Vatican… he would shoot a film in Rome entitled,  “The Unusual Suspects,” about priests who abuse children… he would be the first Pope to win an Oscar while in office.

Hugh Grant.  Se Hugh Grant fosse il Papa… cancellerebbe il requisito di celibato per i sacerdoti … permetterebbe alle donne di entrare in Vaticano perché gli piacciono… e permetterebbe alle suore di indossare qualunque cosa che loro vorrebbero, specialmente le gonne corte… assumerebbe una bella donna come segretaria personale… permetterebbe ai preti di officiare solamente in “Quattro matrimoni e un funerale”.

If Hugh Grant were Pope… he would eliminate the requirement of celibacy for priests… he would permit women to enter the Vatican because he likes them… and he would permit nuns to wear anything they want, especially short skirts… he would hire a beautiful woman as his personal secretary… he would allow priests to officiate only “Four Weddings and a Funeral”.

John Cusak.  Se John Cusak fosse il Papa…  farebbe costruire uno studio di kickboxing nel Vaticano e si allenerebbe ogni sera… farebbe gli scherzi ai cardinali ogni volta che gli incontrasse… farebbe girare un film nel Vaticano… e poi direbbe “Sono troppo giovane per essere celibe!”… e anché lui si dimetterebbe, dopo solamente un mese in ufficio…. abiterebbe a Roma per pochi mesi ancora… poi tornerebbe alla sua vita da star amato negli Stati Uniti.

If John Cusak were Pope… he would have a kickboxing studio built in the Vatican and he would train every evening… he would play jokes on the cardinals every time he ran into them… he would shoot a film in the Vatican… and then he would say “I’m too young to be celibate!”… and he, too, would resign — after only one month in office… he would reside in Rome for a few months more… and then he would return to his life as a well-loved star in the United States.

Whom would you like to see chosen as Pope?  Got any other predictions for our fantasy candidates? Leave your comments below!